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You're A Bootman

From a thread on Boots On Line

Mark from Louisiana started a thread on the "Boots On Line" message board with this title and the response was so good and so interesting and amusing I've saved the results on this page.  I'm sure you'll enjoy a few laughs when reading this list.  You'll probably recognize yourself in lots of these situations, too.



- you have more boots than any other clothes or apparel - except maybe for headwear, such as baseball caps, uniform caps, cowboy hats.

- you have to take a while each morning deciding on what boots you want to wear that day, maybe changing your mind several times before pulling on that first pair for the day.

- you find yourself wearing about three or more different pairs of boots each day, changing boots to fit the "mood" of the morning vs. midday vs. afternoon and evening.

- on the other hand, you enjoy wearing the same pair of lace-ups, or Engineer, or Cowboy boots for 12+ hours that day while at work.

- people call you an "Imelda Marcos" of the Boot World.

- people say that you go shopping and spend more time in the stores than some women do; only you go to Boot Stores, Western Stores, Army Surplus Stores, Harley Shops, etc.

- it takes you a while just to put on that first pair of boots in the morning, especially if tall lace-ups, but even with slip-ons, or buckled boots, or zip-ups, as you really want to "experience and enjoy" the moment.

- you have more boots than you can possibly wear on a regular basis.

- you've run out of room to store them.

- you store your boots in the boxes because they take up less room that way.

- you have boots in the bedroom, in the hallway, in the living room, in the dining room... all over the house.

- you buy expensive furniture to store your boots.

- you have so many boots that you have to list them in a database along with photographs because you forget exactly which ones you have.

- you buy the same boot in each color, style, height, steel toe, non-steel toe, and sole type.

- you give your boots nick-names.

- when moving you have to make another trip to the U-Haul store for more boxes to pack your boots in.

- the process of packing your boots for the move takes more than one full day.

- you buy a new house in order to store all your boots and spurs.

- the occasion calls for a suit and tie, you wear your Dehners rather than dress shoes.

- you keep your suit and tie in an armoire so you can devote your entire walk-in closet to boot storage.

- you help your wife or partner move to the guest room so you have more room to store your boots.

- the boots don't reside in your closet. You reside in THEIR house!

- you sleep in your boots.

- you take your boots to bed with you.

- you have 15 pairs of "back up" boots. Ya know...Just in case!

- your boots have the ability to "entrance" you.

- your boots seem to have the uncanny ability to procreate.

- "Red Wing" calls your house and demands you to stop hoarding their inventory.

- you know more about boot features than the actual salesperson.

- you search the internet with every variation of the word "boot" you can think of.

- even some of the police horses recognize you from your frequent conversations with the mounted policemen.

- you have to resist the temptation to "rescue" a pair of boots that have been "abandoned" in the bed of a pickup truck.

- you feel sorry for those boots, singles or pairs, that somehow end up on highway shoulders, and you wonder how they got there.

- you stop and pick up those boots seen along the highway.

- you brake for thrift stores, just to see what they might have to offer in the line of boots.

- you go to every rodeo within driving distance.

- you consider Reno, with the big rodeo, to be within "driving distance" even if it's an eighteen-hour round trip.

- you walk a block or more out of your way just to follow a guy who is wearing really cool boots.

- you spend your lunch hour someplace where you're within view of a working construction site so you can see the boot parade.

- someone says "nice boots" and you start to wonder (obsessively perhaps) about whether you have encountered a fellow bootman or just some guy who thinks you wear nice boots.

- the bus/coach driver is wearing boots, you try to get a good seat where you can watch him work the pedals.

- you secretly bemoan the popularity of automatic transmissions because the floorboard dance is not quite so fascinating when there are only two pedals.

- you don't need to wear boots to feel you're a true man.

- you don't need to be unable to control your addiction to buy more boots, more than you can and do wear, without enough room in your house to store them, and unable to get rid of a few pairs of boots, in order to declare yourself a Bootman.

- you don't even need to own one pair of boots. The image of a pair of boots, real or imagined, worn or unworn, gives one personal pleasure and is enough to declare one's self a Bootman.

- you have 18 pair of motorcycle boots and no motorcycle.

- you own 18 pairs of cowboy boots and the closest you come to a cow is when you order a Quarter Pounder at Mc Donald's.

- you don't throw out old boots - you use them for planters on the back porch or deck.

- you can speak comfortably with a stranger about his boots.

- you need an additional suitcase for your boots, and apologize to the ones that you can't take on your vacation.

- you can't wait for the latest Cabela's or Shepler's or similar sporting goods or western wear catalogs to arrive, and you go right for the boot section before looking at anything else.

- you pick up magazines like Field & Stream, American Cowboy and Western Horseman and peruse the pages looking for boots. Never mind you don't own a gun much less hunt, and the closest you have been to a horse was the last time you watched the movie Ben Hur.

- your coworkers look at your feet on casual Fridays to see which boots you wore that day and then compare them to the ones you wore last week!

- you receive an email from Ebay asking you to stop tying up their search engine looking for boots all the time.

- as soon as your computer boots up, you go directly to Hot Boots!!!

- you visit Hot Boots more than once a day.

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